I’m Pig Biting Mad And I’m Not Going to Take it Anymore.

Welcome to week 18. That’s about 16 weeks more than I thought I could fill. It’s been interesting. Hectic, but interesting. I was about five weeks ahead when I started and now I’m usually writing this a few days before we have to post. I don’t know where I lost the time, but these weekly deadlines ain’t easy. I don’t know how guys like Mark Evanier, Steve Grant and others keep it up.

I hear What Th--? is the 2nd most read column on this site. All The Rage gets three million unique hits each week and we get two. Not two million. Two! As in one. Two. All the other columns here get one hit each. But they’re not spewing gossip or written by a semi-famous person, so who cares? Besides, they’re viewed only by some guy from Norway who thinks this is a Lone Ranger fan site.

Postings to the message board appears to be quiet these days, so I want you all to immediately go on the board and start writing. I don‘t care what you write. Just write. Upload your shopping lists for all I care. I just want more unique hits than that Rage guy. Hey! You’re still reading this. I told you to go post something. You’ll feel better if you post something. Besides, I show up all the time and answer many of your dumber questions (‘cause those I know the answers to, and if I don’t, they were dumb questions in the first place, so who cares?). Oh, yeah. I also want questions for me to answer here in the column itself.

So, what to write about this week? What to write about?

I guess I could write about me all the time, promoting my current projects. Let’s see. Hmmm hmmm. What do I do? What do I do? I know. Did you know I’m working on a… never mind, that fell through. Did you know I… No. That was Joe Kelly. Umm. Did you know I write a weekly internet column? Oh. Yeah. Right. I know. Umm. I used to write Teen Titans. Really. It says so just to the left of this paragraph.

Okay. Forget self promotion. Remind me to thank Peter David for that idea later.

I could try pushing my opinions on what’s wrong in the industry today – I hear tell the more you bad mouth certain companies on line the more they actually want to hire you. It’s true. I’ve been told that by a number of folk who that actually happened to. Okay. Let’s try that. Bad-mouthing commences now. DC – you’re a poo-poo head. Marvel, your feet stink and your father wears panty hose. Dark Horse, you… you… umm, what exactly does Dark Horse do, anyway?

No. That won’t work. Companies change policy the way most fans change their underwear; twice every year, whether they need to or not. ‘sides, rarely is it that a company is bad. It’s usually a specific individual. And who knows if he or she’ll be around tomorrow. I hear it’s almost time for that seasonal change of undies.

So I won’t bad mouth or argue with other creators no matter how evil and scummy they all are in real life.

And they are, you know. Evil, that is. Okay, it’s time for name-dropping. When I break an unbreakable vow, man, I break it all the way. Evil people in comics. Let’s start with that aforementioned Mark Evanier who is so evil and manipulative in his real life that he’s actually convinced everyone he knows, or meets, or works with, or accidentally bumps into at the super-market, that he’s one of the nicest people anywhere. I think Mr. Evil - that’s what everyone in L.A. calls him, you know. Everyone meaning me. And L.A. meaning my office where I’m typing this now – anyway, I think Mr. Evil learned how to cloud men’s minds during that Groo signing tour he and Sergio Aragones made a few years back to the Orient. But Mark, besides being both Mr. Evil and the nicest person in comics, is too smart to be obvious. Mark disguises his evil by quietly doing good deeds, never talking about it, and driving the people he’s done all that good stuff for insane because he doesn’t want them talking about it, either. The man is positively wicked and should be strung up. Or given a reward. Or something. But by someone else. Not me. I don’t reward evil. Not unless there’s money in it for me.

I warn you now about him because I know Mr. Evil doesn’t read this column, so there’s no chance for him to assimilate me into his wicked web of infinite evil. If you want to be hypnotically given the mark of Mark, go to his website and read his daily rants. It’s found at http://www.povonline.com but don’t forget I warned you not to go there.

Evil. Yes, evil is everywhere in comics.

Maybe I should go on record and agree with certain other web columnists, and especially a certain rival publisher, all of whom seem to have nothing better to do than attack DC President and Publisher, Paul Levitz, another very evil man whom I’ve known since he was a mini-evil kid of 13. Paul - who many might not remember wasted a few years of our lives making us read his writing on The Legion of Super-Heroes during the only time in its existence that it was ever truly enjoyable (and thus giving us hope that the book would someday be good again – how evil is that?). Paul disguises his nastiness with his nefarious plans which saved the entire industry a few years back, not once, but several times. Blame him, sirs and ladies. Blame him that we still have comics to read.

Paul has often gone behind the backs of everyone – without fanfare - to help endless writers and artists, personally and professionally, co-instituting the first mainstream comics’ royalty payments for creators, helping making sure artwork was returned to the guys who drew it, and more. See how evil he is? Why should a couple hundred stupid writers and artists benefit from their work? He should have left well enough alone. Wouldn’t it be better for the companies to sell the art themselves and make all the money, just like Disney does?
Writers, artists and small publishers just starting out have been known to call Paul for advice, and the guy actually helps them – his rivals. What a maroon. If his evil spreads any further, the comic business may actually become civilized and productive. Thank God we have a true hero like what’s-his-name over at you-know-where to prevent that.

Oooh, now I’m pig-biting mad, as they say in the World Weekly News. Speaking of the WWN, not to be confused with the WWF or the WWE, or even WW (the babe who used to have an eagle on her chest), but how do they do it? Week in and week out they uncover news no other paper in the world reports. What’s their secret?

Why can’t CNN – which has the vast fortune of AOL-Time Warner behind them – hire reporters who can dig out news like, “Satan Escapes From Hell.” And the WWN had a photograph of the bigbad himself shooting straight up into the sky from an oil well right on their cover to prove it. This is important stuff and only the WWN – as we Weekies call it - has the guts to report the real news. The important news.

Only The World Weekly News let me know that Senator Hillary Clinton was dating an alien. And what did her husband, the former President Clinton, say when he found out? It was right there on the front page. “’I thought she was gay,’ says stunned Ex-Prez!” Did the Republican National Committee, which spent 60 million of our tax dollars only to prove that Bill Clinton had consensual sex with another adult, uncover this scandal? No, and shame on them. Only my WWN reported the facts and just the facts. Ma’am.

Every two weeks the WWN fills me in on the latest exploits of Bat Boy. Man, I nearly shed a tear when he put on that helmet and shipped out to help our boys fight in Afghanistan. Does the Los Angeles Times give me the lowdown on ol’ leather-wings? Unh uh. Nor does the Washington Post or the New York Times - and they’re supposed to have good reporters. Hell, they win the Pulitzers for stories on government corruption, and like, duh, is that a news flash with film at eleven or what? Corruption in the government? I’m shocked. Shocked, I say. But did they know, these bastions of the free press, that Rock Hudson turned straight in the afterlife?

No, they didn’t. Only The World Weekly News was able to tell me that. I mean, is that reporting or what? I can believe the Rockster turned straight in the afterlife. It could happen. But only the WWN was able to send a reporter to Hell, get the story, and then make it back alive to tell me all about it. Man, I want to nominate that reporter for some sort of prize right this moment. And I also want to state right now that their unattributed sources as well as all those scientists you never heard of who live in Asia and South America, have done this world a great service by corroborating all WWN investigations. My hat - if I owned one – is off to you, sirs.

Whew. That rant took the anger out of me. I look back now and have to apologize for some of what I was screaming about. Give a guy an internet column and he has to bad mouth everyone, but teach him to fish and you have a mixed metaphor. And everyone knows I never metaphor I didn’t like. But, seriously, I should apologize for one thing I said up above that is truly wrong. I don’t know what I was thinking. DC is not a poo-poo head. That should have been poopy head.

Can I get work now?

-see you in seven.

Marv Wolfman

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